The Possibilities of ‘Non’ and the Limitations of ‘Yes’

I always tell my students that a ‘no’ in France does not necessarily signal the end of the discussion, but often the beginning. Last summer, my daughter was trying to organize an internship in France through a family friend. The phone conversation went like this, “You’re a minor and it’s not easy. There would be problems with liability. The work site is dangerous. You could blow something up, get hurt and then what? Your mother is American, your parents would probably sue us. The directrice says if we make an exception this time, it will open the floodgates to other young interns. You see the difficulty, right?” I watched her shoulders sag as she punctuated each rejection with murmurs of “Oui, Oui. Non, I understand. Bien sur.” She’s a bicultural kid and even if she wasn’t conscious of her actions, her strategy was perfect. She listened, she was polite and she waited. She let him talk and just as she was about to thank him for his time and to hang up, she heard, “Alors, on se voit demain matin à 8h30 ?” So, see you tomorrow morning at 8:30?

She went on to have an extraordinary experience that has set her on a completely different path. Her presence was unofficial, known to everyone, including the directrice, but sous le radar. At lunch one day, the director caught a glimpse of her and asked her sponsor if that was l’américaine they had discussed the month before. I think the answer was a clin d’oeil, a wink, and something along the lines of I don’t know what you’re talking about.

There were three components to this successful outcome. First of all, that the internship even happened was in large part due to a personal connection. Secondly, she listened to the objections being laid out and instead of ending the conversation, she agreed with her sponsor as he enumerated the ways in which the whole endeavor was problematic. Then she waited, and got to the yes. Finally, she understood that permission was contingent on her discretion. 

Sois discrète. Be discreet. Tu vas te faire remarquer. You’re going to attract attention. These are words that French children hear constantly. In American culture, we teach children to be proud of their accomplishments and to consider themselves unique and valuable. French children are taught to watch and listen. The idea that a child might have valuable input is laughable. What the French would consider boorish boasting, Americans think of as essential to success.  

Six months later, my daughter is organizing a similar internship in the US. Since she has no personal connections, she sends out a dozen requests. The first rejecter, who is German, tells her that he is unavailable and suggests she might have more luck if she can seek out a family friend or other such contact in the field. The second email, from an American, is a yes. Wow. Euphoria in the household! But wait, careful reading of the email and the several more that soon follow, reveal that the resounding ‘yes’, is actually more of a ‘yes, but’. Yes, you can do an internship with us, but you need to find a sponsor within the organization, provide certification (what certification does a high schooler have?), prepare a proposal and organize a meeting with your teacher and the institution (Really? Yikes!). So, she’s writing emails, sending her resume, researching the organization, detailing her goals and objectives, and generally demonstrating her commitment to the endeavor.

It’s not that personal connections aren’t helpful in the US. Of course they are. In fact, her teacher, having a better idea of the type of project she’s interested in, has offered a connection of her own, in addition, or instead of her current prospect if it doesn’t work out. Getting to yes in the US often involves a self-promotional approach and demonstration of commitment in ways that might be considered over-reaching, or to use my mother-in-law’s term, ‘uppity’, in France.

A related topic, which deserves its own post, is how French and Americans differ in how they access information. I think it will have to be written with Emily Seftel, an American in Paris who writes a column here, and as a logistics magicienne has spent several years studying just this.

Tout est Grand en Amérique and other French stereotypes about America

Recently I was in New York and was struck by the amount of French I heard on the street. It seemed that I could not walk a block in Manhattan or Brooklyn without hearing my adopted language – small family groups of French tourists, students studying English, and some who probably lived in New York. For all that we hear that the French don't like Americans, they do love visiting the U.S. Last week we had the opportunity to see San Diego through the eyes of a young French friend visiting from Paris who reminded me of some things about America that fascinate the French. 

1. Tout est grand en Amérique.

Home theater

© lajollahomeaudio.com

The first impression upon arriving in California is that everything is big. Leslie noted that the footprint of her Parisian middle school/high school would fit entirely on the local high school’s Lacrosse field and that the wrap around parking lot covered about the same acreage as the school itself. It's not only the spaces that are big, the buildings at a local outlet mall have enormous facades equivalent to an extra story or two, while the shops themselves have only one level. There's no need to go to Disneyland when some homes are literally the size of a Paris building that might house ten to twelve families, and unlike the rambling and somewhat run-down historic properties where some French families gather for vacations, every square foot of these homes is designer decorated and tricked out with the latest cinematic wonders, professional laundering facilities and kitchens worthy of a cooking school (with enough microwaves to cater to the family’s needs). When European friends visit us in our condo they marvel at the high ceilings and spaciousness of the unit – all 1400 square feet.

The list of 'big' things is endless - cars, portions, hard-cover books, grocery carts, the Sunday paper, university campuses, closets, dog beds, kitchens. The French marvel at the unnecessary super-sizing of America in every domain possible. They are fascinated by the extravagant gaspillage, or waste, of space. The fact that everything is ‘comme à la télé’, ‘just like on TV’ only enhances the sense of detachment from reality. Dépaysement literally means a change of scenery and in the positive sense can suggest exotic new surroundings, or in its negative connotation, a sense of disorientation. The French are great travelers and they seek out the differences in cultures and enjoy that sense of losing their normal bearings. C’était bien dépaysant, it was a great change of scenery, is a positive outcome. They enjoy the thrill of experiencing things that are different.

2. L’embarras du choix.

If one American ideal is spaciousness, another is individual choice. In American society, there is always a wide range of choice or l’embarras du choix (similar to the English ‘embarrassment of riches’). It is perfectly normal for a supermarket to offer a 'selection' of dozens of breakfast cereals in various permutations, including breakfast and snack bar versions; several brands of 'fresh' orange juice each offering the full range of no pulp, low pulp, and calcium fortified options. There are three kinds of unleaded gas. If you want to mail a letter, there is the US Postal Service, or any number of private mail centers. Something as simple as purchasing a pair of jeans requires that you choose a height, a length, a leg shape, and a hip shape. This is local exoticism at its best. 

3. The secret penchant for la Malbouffe

School “lunch”

© 2012 K-Rae Nelson

When in France, French people might rail against le fast food and la malbouffe, unhealthy food, or bad grub, when in America they almost always want to taste the real McCoy.  Hot dogs, hamburgers, milkshakes, pancakes, burritos, nachos (all right, maybe they’ll draw the line at ball park nachos) – they want to taste it all, and they may even want to take some goodies home. The convenience of organic pancake batter in a whipped cream canister is the epitomy of American ingenuity. It’s hard to overestimate the fascination that people have with the American way of life with respect to fast food. Compared to the French, Americans really do indiscriminately eat n’importe quoi, n’importe comment et n’importe quand , anything, anyhow and anywhere. When I went to the grocery store with Leslie, she stopped short at the sight of the large grocery cart. “Quoi? Non, c’est pas possible.” “What, no, it can’t be. A cup holder built into the grocery cart?” In Whole Foods we saw the perfect illustration of the local fauna. A man pushing a cart with one hand, holding a coffee in a to go cup in the other, his toddler son sitting in the grocery cart with the quilty hygienic cover thing, holding his own drink in one hand and his collapsible snack bowl in the other.

If you want to give your French visitors an experience to remember, dépaysement assuré, take them to a big chain supermarket, a 50s style diner with jukeboxes at the table, and try to finagle an invitation to a local McMansion tract home. And if you can throw in a shark attack, you’re the bomb. 

© 2012 K-Rae Nelson

Culture Shock: Same or Different?

Maybe I am less trusting of cultural fact sheets because I always seem to retain the one tidbit that is out-dated or inaccurate.  Or maybe it’s because although I have been informed by respected intercultural experts that it is impolite to cut the point off the camembert at a French dinner party, my French friends repeatedly do just that.  I have also been informed that orange juice is served at the end of an evening as a sign for the guests to leave.  Apparently I don’t travel in the right circles, because my experience has always been that the imminent closing of the metro is the best predictor of when guests will depart.  It may be useful and it is certainly interesting to read about specific cultural differences and peculiarities in various countries, however in my experience, how you adapt to life in a foreign country, whether you are living abroad for an extended period of time or visiting a short period, depends a lot on how you react to and interpret new situations.  The current trend is to focus on cultural differences, yet cultural similarities abound, especially between Europe and the United States.  Let me introduce two simple rules, based on my own experiences in foreign countries and those of my American students in Paris, as well as one important, and often overlooked tool for navigating foreign settings.

Rule 1: Look for similarities in new environments.

            When my law students arrive in Paris for their summer study program, I try to orient them to common differences between French and American life. I also warn against the wholesale assumption of dissimilarity, which can lead to misunderstandings and confusion. In many respects, Paris is much like many major American cities, except when it is different.

            In my Survival French class, I focus on practical everyday skills such as shopping, taking public transportation and telephoning. A few years ago, public telephones in Paris could only be used with smart cards. Purchasing the card was relatively easy. Since the instructions in the phone booth were in French only, and involved low frequency vocabulary such as décrocher, to pick up (the receiver) and volet, the sliding cover for the card slot, I would give the students detailed instructions on removing the receiver from its hook, inserting the télécarte in the slot and then pulling down the cover.

capl@washjeff.edu

Washington & Jefferson College © 2012

This preparation was usually sufficient and I rarely heard any further questions on the matter.  One summer, I had a student who was having a particularly difficult time learning the ropes.  She came to my office several times for advice on telephoning.  After a few fruitless attempts, she flopped herself down into a chair, completely undone.  “I found where to put the card, but I cannot for the life of me locate the receiver!”  Now we were both stumped.  How could one possibly go to a public telephone and not be able to locate the receiver?  Could some hooligan have lopped it off during a vandalism spree?  I could think of no other explanation.

Her story was so bizarre that I asked her to show me the mysterious public telephone in question.  She led me several blocks from the institute, passing a perfectly serviceable bank of phone booths next to the metro, all clearly marked with the word TÉLÉPHONE with the receivers all neatly on the hook, to head down a small side street.  By now my interest was piqued.  My student led me directly to the object of her consternation.  “See,” she motioned triumphantly, “here is where the card goes, but there is no receiver!”  My gaze shifted to my student.  What could I say and how could I put it?  This young woman, who would later clerk for an appellate judge, had been trying to telephone from --- a parking meter.

The point of this story is that sometimes things are pretty much as they appear to be. Telephones can look just like the ones at home, or at least share enough common characteristics as to be readily recognizable. Searching for the differences obscures the similarities.

Rule 2: Sometimes things aren’t what they appear to be.

            Now that I’ve suggested that the differences between France and the U.S. aren’t so great, I offer this exception to Rule 1.  If something looks the same, it may well be, but if your experience doesn’t fit your original hypothesis, it may be time to reevaluate whether it really is similar or not.  In language, these false similarities are called faux amis, or false friends.  Sensible in French means sensitive and as health-food conscious Americans quickly find out, les préservatifs in France are for preventing pregnancy, not for prolonging the shelf life of food. 

 

© Supermarchés Casino

Navigating a culture also requires sifting through “true” and “false” friends.  Recently, another student announced to me that she and her friend where going to the casino over the weekend.  I assumed they were headed for Monte Carlo, but they informed me that there were casinos, “all over Paris.”  Since I had been coming to Paris for almost twenty years and had never heard of gambling in the city, I expressed my skepticism. “We’ve seen the ads all over town,” they assured me.  It wouldn’t have been the first time my students had taught me something new about Paris.  Curious, I queried a few Parisian friends over the weekend who were as uninformed as I about gaming in the City of Light. The following Monday, I asked the girls about their casino adventure.  Disappointed, they admitted that they hadn’t managed to find the casino, which was strange since they had seen ads for inexpensive casino meals, just like in Las Vegas, at every bus stop.

A few days later, I was leading my students on an excursion when one of the girls pulled me aside to show me the advertisement which did indeed depict an impressively low-priced plate of roasted chicken and French fries with the word Casino arching across the poster in bold red.  I had to explain to my students that Casino is the name of a supermarket chain.  They had clung so tightly to their original interpretation that they were unable to process other clues, such as Casino supermarkets they might have passed on the street or other Casino posters with pictures of articles not usually associated with gambling halls.

Helpful Tip: Sometimes an accent comes in handy.

            Learning to spot and interpret similarities and differences in a new environment is an important part of cultural adaptation.  Acculturation is a very long process and individuals adapt with varying degrees of speed and success.  Perhaps unexpectedly, being identified as an outsider can be an asset for someone finding her way in a foreign country.  Indeed, the accent that we generally strive to eradicate along with identifying characteristics such as mannerisms and clothing serve a very useful function.  For example, if you learn to ask a question with perfect grammar and an excellent accent, but are only minimally conversant in a language, there’s a good chance you won’t understand the answer.  Your interlocutor will assume that you speak the language fluently and it may not occur to him to slow down or make other speech adjustments as people naturally and unconsciously do when speaking with foreigners. 

            On the other hand, if you are a native speaker, but have not lived in your native country recently, you may find yourself in the uncomfortable position of understanding and speaking the language, but not the customs and nuances of everyday life. 

© Bill Madison.blogspot.com

In an instance of reverse cultural misunderstanding, my colleague Isabelle and I had a hilarious, but frustrating experience with French telephone operators in Paris.  In the early 1990s, Isabelle returned to France for the summer after several years of college in the U.S.  At the time, we were working together at a French university and found ourselves in possession of a Minitel, a pre-internet terminal hooked up to an early local version of today’s web.  It offered on-line directory assistance and a plethora of other information.  You could not take the metro without seeing ads promoting Minitel services of a romantic nature, called Minitel rose, pink being the code name for romance.  Each of these sites was accessed by a code with the number 3615 followed by a word, such as ULLA, for the Swedish girl chat line.  There were more practical applications, such as 3615 SNCF, for the train company, or 3615 RATP, for the bus company. 

We were delighted with our treasure, but had no idea how to access directory assistance.  I suggested calling directory assistance on the telephone and asking the operator how to use the Minitel.  When Isabelle called and requested help, the operator hung up on her.  Surprised, she called back, explained that she had been cut off and repeated her question.  Again, she was disconnected, but only after the operator yelled at her, saying she didn’t have time for pranks.  Isabelle, by this time, was incensed.  She called a third time, asked to speak to a supervisor and repeated her story.  The supervisor, noticeably annoyed, advised, “Call this number and they’ll explain everything.”  That number turned out to be the Central Income Tax Office. 

We could not get the information because the operators were convinced that the woman with the careful enunciation and educated accent was playing phone games with them.  Finally I called, and assuming an obvious American accent and imperfect grammar, explained that I was visiting France and had access to this machine, but had no idea how it worked.  The operator, encountering a foreigner who could not be expected to understand the workings of the Minitel instantly provided the needed information.

It is important to remember that many aspects of life in France will be familiar.  Assume similarity if it seems warranted, but pay attention to clues that indicate otherwise.  Some things will be different, but not necessarily the ones you expect.  Part of your task is to adapt to a new culture, but take your time, don’t be hard on yourself, and finally, take advantage of your status as an outsider to ask for clarification. 

Bringing Up Bébé: A meal runs through it . . .

. . . and a language and a culture. Pamela Druckerman’s Bringing Up Bébé begins with the assumption that French parents manage to lead lives that are relatively free of stress while raising well-behaved children and not losing sight of themselves as individuals. She sets out to identify the ‘secrets’ of French parenting. What she finds is that unlike American parents, who valiantly try to find or create a parenting style that ‘fits’ them, French children are raised in an amazingly homogenous framework, or cadre freeing their parents to devote time and energy to their careers and outside interests. Druckerman provides a detailed overview of the benefits available to French parents. Is the explanation to be found in the affordable day care, free public school from the age of three, universal healthcare, long vacations, numerous tax breaks and incentives or is there some other more mysterious key to French parenting?

Druckerman states in the beginning of the book, “As an American, I need things to be spelled out.” (p. 14) American, and particularly Northern American, culture is what Edward T. Hall described as ‘low-context’, whereas French culture is comparatively ‘high-context’. High-context cultures tend to be collectivist rather than individualistic and highly relational with strong personal bonds, closely knit family groups and high levels of commitment. With a high degree of shared experiences and expectations, there is less need for things to be made explicit. In low-context cultures codes are more visible and more easily articulated.

As a high-context culture, the French generally don’t feel the need to do their homework with respect to child-rearing as there is broad agreement on the general practices. By the same token, the French don’t like to admit to resorting to cookbooks. Americans, perhaps the greatest individualists on earth, feel the need to customize their environments in order to feel comfortable and in control, which is often the same thing. This overarching need for an individualized experience, from restaurant substitutions and sauce on the side, to individual birth plans leaves the French shaking their heads in bemusement and muttering, ‘n’importe quoi,’ which Druckerman translates literally as ‘whatever’, but a translation that captures its usage is ‘what the hell’, or ‘that’s bullshit’, or ‘that’s just ridiculous.’ The reaction to that which elicits the n’importe quoi is always negative.

While Druckerman is looking to unlock the secrets of French parenting, she inadvertently identifies codes that can be applied to French society as a whole. French parenting style is not child-centered, it’s French-centered. Children are educated from the very beginning to assume a role in the greater ‘adult’ world. The rules are not just for children to behave, but rules that reinforce the codes that allow entry to French society. The social pressure to respect authority in broad strokes is so deeply rooted, that when questioned about certain aspects of French life, the response is often a shrug and a ‘c’est comme ça.’, that’s just the way it is.  

L’art de discuter begins early

© 1995 Victor Vianu

The French government-subsidized daycare system and free public school that begins as early as age 2 ½ with an 8-hour school day and affordable after school programs, not only allow parents to work, but they also function as citizen-building greenhouses. The family and school are a child’s main cultural references. The child has a place within the family and the school, and thus in the wider world. Through adherence to the structure and the rules of this social framework, the child learns patience and self-control. Young girls learn that they can pursue higher education and training, seeing in their environment that they will not have to choose between children and a career when they grow up. Young boys see that educated, independent women are the norm.

In the ideal pedagogical situation, learning is reinforced on multiple levels, across different disciplines and through a variety of mediums. The French school consciously transmits the ideals of the République which are reinforced in the family by adults who as children assimilated the same values themselves. Druckerman emphasizes that while there is wide agreement in society about the value of this cadre, there is also acceptance of greater liberty within it. Strong adherence to basic rules and codes allows for greater freedom within the framework.

It will come as no surprise to anyone who has spent time in France that this framework is created and structured through language and food traditions. Druckerman mentions the lengths to which American parents go to create a stimulating environment for their children. French parents don’t feel this need because they believe that their environment is stimulating enough. The French value ‘culture générale’, a well-rounded education and the ability to converse about and engage in a wide range of subjects. They have opinions and can defend them. They expect others to do so as well. The French have a shared corpus of cultural and historical knowledge that they began to acquire at a very early age in the French school system.

When adults meet children in social settings, they’ll ask, ‘T’es dans quelle classe cette année ?’ “What grade are you in this year? But when they ask, they also know what the child is studying and enjoy discussing it with him or her. Troisième ? (9^thgrade in the U.S.). The Enlightenment? Have you read Montaigne’s On Cannibalism yet? It’s also not unusual for adults to reminisce about classic texts memorized in elementary school and for all present to try to remember the words to Jacques Prevert’s long poem En Sortant de l’Ecole, ‘Leaving School’, or to refer to La Fontaine’s Le Corbeau et le Renard, The Crow and the Fox, with its famous line, “Mon bon Monsieur, Apprenez que tout flatteur vit aux dépens de celui qui l'écoute. Cette leçon vaut bien un fromage, sans doute.” “My dear sir, learn that every flatterer lives at the expense of those who listen to him. This lesson is worth a piece of cheese, no doubt.” In 'Leaving School', a poem about a crazy afternoon train ride around the world, delicacies such as saumon fumé, smoked salmon, and oursins, sea urchins, are mentioned. Both poems are examples of cultural norms transmitted through language and food.

Food comes up repeatedly in Druckerman’s book because it hits all of the cultural memes and chief among them is ‘Lack of structure leads to lack of self-restraint.’ Druckerman notes that in comparison to French children, American toddlers are constantly snacking. An English professor I know who taught American students in a study abroad program complained about student behavior in class, “They’re always eating! Don’t they ever stop?” This is where a French person would interject, “N’importe quoi.”

Tradition or the cadre structures the day and mealtimes. The fact that the society as a whole eats lunch at noon or 1pm, with a coffee or snack break at 4, and then dinner at 8 makes it easier to regulate eating and also provides a framework for social interaction. Structured eating times provide an opportunity for those convivial moments and the discussions that define the framework of French culture. This is why cultural trainers always say if colleagues ask you to lunch join them no matter how much work you have because this is the time that connections are formed, an essential component of successful integration.

Druckerman interviews not only other mothers, both French and American, but she also takes her investigation to the institutional level. She may be the only American journalist to have sat in on meetings with school nutritionists, for example. Surprisingly, the issue of religious dietary restrictions does not come up since school nutritionists do make an effort to offer non-pork items for Jewish and Muslim children. Indeed, the ‘wisdom of French parenting’ that Druckerman espouses is dependent on wide societal acceptance of French values. Her book does not discuss the evolving heterogeneous nature of French culture today with the influx of immigrants from Northern and Sub-Saharan Africa and their accompanying cultural differences. The French government does see the need to promote the values that define the French societal framework and since 2008, is directly addressing acculturation and assimilation with required ‘Welcome and Integration’ seminars for all new immigrants. 

With her ‘I’m just another neurotic New Yorker trying to get through the day’ style, Druckerman entertains and informs based on her experiences and well-documented research. I look forward to her next book from France, and hope it will be on the French school system.

Sources:

- Druckerman, Pamela (2012) Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the

Wisdom of French Parenting, The Penguin Press: New York.

- Hall, Edward T. (1976) Beyond Culture, Anchor Books, New York.

- Characteristics of Hall’s High-and Low-Context Cultures,

http://staff.washington.edu/saki/strategies/101/hallcul.htm

Thanks to:

Ann M. Johns (Professor Emerita, San Diego State University), who first introduced me to the importance of considering high and low-context cultures in the development of English for Specific materials.

Gayle Zachmann (Associate Professor of French, University of Florida; former Director, UF Paris Research Center;), for her stupendous lectures and insight on the development and transmission of cultural values from the Third Republic to today.  

Vocabulaire/Vocabulary

Le cadre/Framework

Culture générale/To say one has a good ‘general culture’ means that one is cultured.

N’importe quoi/What the hell?

C’est comme ça/That’s [just] the way it is.

Le saumon fumé/Smoked salmon

L’oursin/sea urchin

T’es dans quelle classe, cette annee ?/What grade are you in this year ?

            L’ecole maternelle/Pre-school

Petite section/Pre-school (3 years old)

Moyenne section/Pre-K

Grande section/Kindergarden

            L’école primaire/Primary School      

CP - Cours Préparatoire/1st grade U.S.

CE1 - Cours Elémentaire 1/2^nd grade U.S.

CE 2 - Cours Elémentaire 2/3rd grade U.S.

CM1 - Cours Moyen 1/4th grade U.S.

CM2 - Cours Moyen 2/5^th grade U.S.

            Le college/Middle School

                        6ème - Sixième/6th grade U.S.

                        5ème - Cinquième/7^th grade U.S.

                        4ème - Quatrième/8^th grade U.S.

                        3ème - Troisième/9^th grade U.S.

            Le lycée/High School

                        Seconde/10^th grade U.S.

                        Première/11^th grade U.S.

                        Terminale/12^th grade U.S.